sentimental

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i'm writing with a heavy heart, and i guess it's probably not the best of times to post something, but i can't help it -- i'm feeling sentimental, even if it might be overly so.

tonight was preschool graduation. although i have been watching them sing those songs over and over these past few weeks, i couldn't help it, i laughed the entire time. they never perform the same in practice as they do in show time, this i've learned. it was hilarious and i ate up every little bit of it.

then i watched them go through the motion of graduating and i have to tell you, it was overwhelmingly sad for me. i obviously, feeling the way i do right now, never considered the thought of the year eventually coming to a close. i never even thought of the time when i would stop seeing them, how heartbreaking! if you know them, you would understand the immeasurable joy that they give. they are somethin' else, those sweet five year old kids are.

going into the job, i remember feeling completely inadequate and lost, but in those moments of feeling frustrated i knew that this job fell in my lap for a reason. i was put into that position. either i was going to learn something or i was going to miss all of it, the latter being so easily to do. i could have missed all of it and i'm so thankful tonight that i can sit here, tears flowing down my face, knowing that i gained much, much more than i could have even hoped for.

one of the biggest loves of my job was carrying my bible into work everyday. i am still a faulty, imperfect human so not everyday was sunshine & unicorns with 10 five year old preschool-ers, i lost my patience -- and i didn't lose it just once. in the midst of those heated moments i am still reminded of what His grace and His love really is, it is immeasurable greatness.

some things i won't forget or get used to not having --

-their unfailing kindness towards me, not just out of respect for authority, but out of pure concern for my well being.

-praying over them, how easily they can sometimes seem to just pray over them. but i took it in stride, i'm so happy it took time to do that. i'm so happy that when we say our blessing over snack/lunch that when i ask what why we pray their response is "because it nourishes our bodies and makes us strong, not everyone has food". they know this. so again -- i get to pray over them, i pray over their health, their struggles, anything really.

-their words. gosh, the things that come out of those mouths. you just never know what it may be, they are the best comedians.

-their lunches, okay i'm being serious too, i've never seen anybody so over joyed about their food (aside from jonathan). which brings me to my next point.

-they are so easy to please, and i mean that in a great way, i can't be the funniest or the nicest or the prettiest or the trendiest or all knowing -- but they find something in me that pleases them, something that makes them happy.. every time. it never fails. it reminds me a lot of my Lord, some days i can't figure out what to do to please Him, i may never know in this life all of what pleases Him, i just know that even on those days i still do.

the Lord brought me out of where i was to put me in as a teacher at Joyful Noise Preschool, and i can't imagine not seeing them 3 days a week. but i know that their beautiful lives have been crafted intentionally together by our Creator. amazing things are in store for all of them.

and then on to my next adventure! going into this summer would not be possible without the various knowledge i've gained this year. i'm ready. i'm willing.

here am i, send me! 

isaiah six:eight

my sisters

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. 

-Proverbs 31:25

As I reflect over all of the changes I've made in my life these past few months I cannot help but fall more deeply in love with the Lord as he bestows blessings upon my life and those wonderful people in it.

All of these changes have kept me busy and unable to post as much as I would like, and when I'm not busy I'm resting. Lots of R&R are needed. It keeps me stable, most of the time.

I love working with the kids even if it is completely exhausting, and trust me, it is.

What's been the most difficult for me, and I keep reflecting on this more and more, is my lack of time to spend with high school, who I adore engaging and working with because when I was their age my life changed completely.

All if took was an invitation from a friend to come to church, that was it, and because of this I came to know a Father that loves and calls all by name. I learned a story that is changing lives even today. I learned how to truly love others, and how incredibly hard it can be. I learned the important of grace.

So this sweet time of their lives that moves like a roller coaster knocking you to your feet sometimes. I want to help be apart of that, but how?

Well a few weeks ago I started on this wonderful study by Beth Moore called So Long, Insecurity: You've Been a Bad Friend to Us (if you know nothing about me know this, I love me some Beth Moore studies).

The magnitude of what this study as done for me, is wonderful, and I am still in the beginning. It's impact is for one single reason: for the first time, I am coming face-to-face with the big, scary monster called insecurity. That's a pretty big step for me.

As I worked in it I began to realize just how important two things are:
1) bible studies, because it's hard to digest and understand the Word when you aren't studying it.
2) GIRL TIME, surprisingly nothing else works so well in my life than to be able to talk to people who relate to me. (The amazing man in my life, Jonathan, can relate to me because he is, and always will be, my best friend. However, there are some things that a little girl time can do for me, that he can't. I expect the same in reverse.)

My girlfriends, my wonderful sisters in Christ, love and care for me so deeply (as I do them) that they give me the hard truth. The truth that I avoid. The hard stuff. They are wonderful enough to pick it off the ground, shake off the dusk and remind me just how significant my purpose is.

So here was my proposal, a high school ladies bible study. I wanted other perspectives, other issues that you have to face when it comes to.. insecurity. (I'm starting to resent the word, just a tad.)

It helps that I had a lot of fun creating the invitation for it --

As I began working in So Long, Insecurity, it really spoke to me and the heaviness of insecurity when it's on your heart. It's just too much to handle sometimes and it can take the drivers seat in your own life when you let it affect you.

When did it start? For myself it really started to control my life in high school and sadly, I let it. I'm such an emotionally driven person that it took my life on a completely different path than I would have ever chosen for myself, but that's the catch, I didn't chose it. My insecurity did.

I still feel insecure sometimes and can let that distract me from my faith, or even worse effect my faith, but that's why I knew I needed to pick up the book. I need a better understanding of my lack of self-esteem. I need some sisters to help too. As much as I would like to try to attempt to do things on my own, my stubbornness wills this on it's own, I can't. I need my sisters and I need God. There's no other way to it.